4. Tyra Is In Heat
It’s no wonder that the producers decided to dump water on Tyra Banks this week. Someone had to cool that woman’s crotch down. Go ahead and drink some of that water, Tyra, cuz girl, you thirsty.
Before we get into that, who’s ready to learn some new vocabulary? Tyra is expanding the Top Model lexicon once again by introducing two new phrases:
boom boom boom noun
: a human male’s well-defined abdomen
boom boom wow noun
: a human female’s flat stomach
I don’t want to call previous ANTM terms like smize, booch, and H2T clever, but at least they sort of make sense. What do the “booms” and the “wow” even mean? Honestly, it seems like Tyra only brought up the phrases in the first place as an excuse to have the models lift their shirts so she could gawk a little bit.
And gawk she does. She won’t shut up about Adam’s body, which she calls “boom boom boom slice.” Ugh, Tyra, please be quiet. He was already boasting like a tool about his V indentation without your prompting, don’t encourage this behavior.
That, plus a photo of Denzel tearing off a wet undershirt, is all it takes to awaken Tyra’s hormones. She then compares Mirjana’s photo to porn and seizes the moment to emit some sexual moans.
Matthew admits that he’s a little hot and bothered by Tyra’s moaning and she’s all, “Wut? I wasn’t even trying to be sexy, silly!” before doing her “unsexy” face:
The truth, though, is that Tyra loves Matthew’s implication and proceeds to brazenly flirt with him:
Just when it looks like Tyra’s about to pounce on his dick, we discover that she’s actually holding out for something significantly bigger…
Tyra gives up all pretense of critiquing Keith as a model and instead wants to discuss a rumor about the size of Keith’s penis. She even, laughably, tries to play it off as genuine concern:
Keith just responds with a “Thanks, Dad.” It’s probably a genetics joke, but I like to think that Keith’s dad called into the ANTM staff to warn them about said “manaconda.” At least this explains why he had to be the little spoon when cuddling with Kari in bed - he didn’t want to impale her. Meanwhile, Tyra, the consummate professional, awards Keith’s photo the season’s first perfect 10 - one point for each inch.
I guess this is what happens when ANTM cuts her rumored love interest Rob Evans loose: Tyra gets horny and starts sexually harassing the contestants. I almost feel like we owe Ben an apology for making an “unprofessional” pass at Tyra during the auditions. Kelly Cutrone’s memorable "Tyra Banks does not want to sleep with you" line should have been followed up with “…but she does have her eye on Keith, Denzel, and Matthew.”
6 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 3
I am all about the theory that his dad called to warn them about the manaconda.